Happy President's Day from your next President

Initially I said I’d run for President, but didn’t want to win. But, the more I think about it the more it seems like the perfect fit. I got too caught up thinking about the cons without considering the pros. I was worried that, after winning the election, people would expect me to improve the big issues like the border fence and childhood obesity. I thought, “How can I solve the illegal immigrant problems when most of my closest friends are aliens? And how can I possibly expect fat kids to listen to me tell them to stop being fat when I can’t lay off the honey buns?” I pictured a miserable life with all the issues constantly weighing down on me. But, then I had a revelation…

One of the things that I perfected in my five years in corporate America was getting other people to do my work. Don’t misunderstand. I wasn’t a manager who was supposed to delegate. I was the lowest level accountant. But, I found that if I simply ignored things I didn’t want to do, someone else would eventually do the important things. So, as President, I plan to liberally use the phrase “that’s not my problem”. I’m sure one of the stars of C-Span will pick up my slack. I don’t have to be as good as W. I can’t expect to out-govern the greatest and most beloved President ever. All I can do is be myself. And I do not like to work.

I’ve enjoyed being unemployed…the only drawback being a complete absence of money. The President makes a nice salary while in office, but the retirement package is what sold me on applying for the gig. Did you know that Presidents only have to work for 4 years? After that, they receive a pension of $188k per year. That would buy a lot of weed. In addition they get $96k for “staff salaries”. If I can suffer through four years in the White House, I’ll be able to do exactly what I do now, but in a bigger house with a butler and a pool boy.

And it gets better thanks to Bill Clinton’s liberal interpretation of what a former President can get away with expensing. His $1.1 million total compensation package is twice as much as former President Carter’s. Taxpayers paid over $100k for what Clinton referred to as “other services”. “Hurry up and get on the campaign trail, Hillary. I’ve got “other services” coming over in less than an hour.” He also spent $77k in the telephone category, almost 3 times as much as former Presidents Carter and Bush combined. That’s almost impossible to do without the vast majority of the calls going to 1-900 HOTGIRLZ. I don’t plan to be quite as frisky as Bubba Clinton, but thanks to his brave expense reporting, I should be able to fulfill my dream of owning a beer fridge.

If I put in five years pretending to be an accountant, I should have no trouble spending four years pretending to be the leader of the free world.

Matt H. Wonder for President: Come on, it’ll be funny.