Smarter than some?

“Smarter than some” might be stretching it. I really thought the Presidential election was this November. It turns out the 2008 election is actually going to be held in 2008. That is not at all cool. I am a fat man. Moving the finish line of the campaign trail out 12 months is like giving me a death sentence. In order to have had any chance at all, I needed the race to be a downhill sprint where my girth/momentum would give me a fighting chance. This campaign is officially on life support. I don’t have the attention span or enough material to last 21 months. I was just looking at the Presidency as a stopgap…something to make my wife quit asking when I’m going to get a job. I thought I’d go through the motions as President until I got a TV show or movie deal, at which point I’d give my two weeks notice. Now what?

Using the Presidency as a Stepping Stone

My primary motivation for becoming President is the generous retirement package. But, I also plan to use the Presidency to launch my comedy career. I imagine it will be easier to get a meeting with Comedy Central as an ex-President rather than as an ex-accountant.

While I’ll be able to devote more time to the funny once I leave office, I think I can still find time to do comedy projects while presidenting. I’ve always wanted to work with Ashton Kucher and I think a Presidential version of Punk’d would get huge ratings. Imagine the look on the head of the CIA’s face when I have the secret service restrain him while I literally try to debrief him. How would Queen Elizabeth react if I told her I noticed her giving me the eye and wondered if she wanted to get busy? What if I asked French president Jacques Chirac if there really was a place in France where the women wear no pants? I wonder if Boris Yeltsin would fall for it if I called him on the red phone and said, "One, two, three, four, let's declare a Cold War". How many episodes could I do before being impeached?

To do: find out how long you have to be President before your retirement plan is vested.

Campaign Slogan

“Smarter than some, friend of a few” was a campaign slogan I created years ago in the unlikely event that I ever ran for public office. (Quick aside: Why is the adjective “public” needed when discussing the kind of office toward which you’re running? Has anyone ever run for private office?) The intent of the slogan was to depict myself as a borderline retard without many friends whose best chance for winning was to get sympathy votes.

Smarter than some. I’m not going to be the smartest Presidential candidate. In fact, I’ll likely be the dumbest ever. But, all the other candidates will have the burden of trying to prove they’re smart. This becomes next to impossible with the press hanging on your every word just waiting for you to misspell potato. If my slogan helps to convince people I’m stupid, any signs I show of actual brain activity will result in far more praise than I deserve. I’m making myself out to be the Presidential candidate version of a Special Olympian.

Friend of a few. I don’t like people. That’s why I don’t plan to hit the campaign trail in the traditional sense. I’m not going to travel. Kissing babies? Guess again. I can’t in good conscience put my lips on a little person who could take down my campaign by giving me jaundice or the colic. And shaking hands. Gimme a break! Not a chance. Why would I shake anyone’s hand before I’m able to enact my urinal code reform laws that require prison sentences for people who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom? While shaking hands and kissing babies, Obama, Clinton, and the rest are playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette. If their willingness to touch other humans ends up giving them a terminal illness, that’s their funeral…and more votes for me.

On the surface “Smarter than some, friend of a few” seems innocent, but underneath lies a carefully crafted strategy that depends on people underestimating me as well as the unfortunate passing of my opponents.

Skeletons

Barack Obama is getting all kinds of praise for being honest about his past. Instead of trying to spin his drug use with a Clintonian “but I didn’t inhale”, he freely admitted to using marijuana and even cocaine.

That’s nothing.

I’ve already admitted to being a theoretical heterosexual who faked hot man on man action with my running mate. I’d also like to state that, for the record, I’ve never used drugs, but have every intention of experimenting once I become President. I’ll convert the Lincoln bedroom to a phony evidence room for seized drugs and start smoking herbs with tour groups. I’ll keep some kind of phony doctor on staff to write prescriptions for medicinal marijuana. The I-Pod generation may not care about politics yet, but I believe that would change if a White House staffer dressed like Dr. Pepper prescribed weed to help kids deal with everything from gingivitis to senioritis.

If I had a campaign manager, he or she would probably tell me that I’ve already said too much. But, I’ve got more skeletons in my closest than common sense, and would like to also drop this bombshell: I once tried out for Baywatch. Clips from that painful experience have been poorly edited into this clip. Top this Obama…

Update: This video is foreshadowing what my Presidential term will be like...concept > execution. The idea of editing my fat self in a Speedo into the Baywatch open seemed great. The finished product, however, is less than great. I really wanted to take this video down, but was convinced by Craig H. Wonder to leave it up. He was the one who spent hours video taping me and giving me stage directions like, "do that again so that I can get a better shot of your boobs giggling". Plus he bought me the swimsuit. I feel like I owe it to him to leave up this piece of performance art.

Re-update: The video has been taken down due to Youtube's policy prohibiting the exhibition of fat, balding, ugly, pale men.

Stupidity Tax 2

I just read this article about cigarettes selling for $125 a pack in California prisons. My immediate thought was to loan my Costco card to my contacts in the Norwegian Mafia and make some quick cash. But, I’m a Presidential candidate and need to think about what’s best for the country.

So I’m recommending my stupidity tax be levied against the state of California for banning tobacco in prisons. For starters, smoking is cool. Taking smokes away from prisoners is like taking away Fonzi’s leather jacket. Not only should they not be banning tobacco, they should be educating prisoners on the importance of smoking, so as to increase the number of smokers. Governor Schwarzenegger has an ingenious plan to send inmates to other states to alleviate California prison overcrowding. Wouldn’t giving inmates cancer be easier? If prisons were able to sell ciagarettes to inmates, there would be no budget shortfall.

The only good thing that came out of California’s stupidity was setting the black market price for cigarettes, which helped me determine their fine. 172,000 inmates smoking a pack a day would generate over $100,000,000. Until California wises up and starts taking advantage of its prisoners by selling them overpriced, addictive, cancer causing sticks of fun, they will be on the hook for the $100m in lost revenue.

No Child Left Behind

My inbox is chock full of great questions from concerned citizens. Due to time and intelligence restraints, I’m only able to answer one question at this time…

Q. Are you for or against leaving children behind? Please make a statement regarding this important issue. Thanks for your time.

A. I think it was Ronald Reagan who said, “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way”. But, even Reagan couldn’t have predicted how dumb kids have gotten in the 21st century. Their brains are fried thanks to near lethal doses of video games, you tube, and text messaging. Do we really want our future to be in their hands? Of course not. It just makes sense to leave the dumbest kids behind. But since the dumb bar has been set so low, I’m worried that leaving kids behind would result in the overcrowding of our public schools by big, dumb kids.

The complexity of this issue forced me to waste some time reading about the controversial “No Child Left Behind Act” on Wikipedia. I couldn’t make it through more than a few sentences without thinking that we might be better served by leaving a President behind. It looks like just another way to encourage our brightest minds to choose a profession other than teaching. It piles more work on educators who are already overworked and underpaid.

NCLB’s emphasis on reading and math ensures that teachers will be forced to take time away from other subjects. Reading and math are overrated. To focus on them and not teach comedy will do our country more harm than good. Do we want our kids to grow up with the misguided notion that shows like “According to Jim” are actually funny? Reading may be fundamental, but it’s not very funny. It’s time we develop curriculum aimed at cultivating the comedic sensibilities of America’s future comedy writers. Assuming my Presidential term sinks our country even deeper into the proverbial crapper, it will be more important than ever to laugh.

On a more serious note, the biggest issue I see in education is that teacher salaries and benefits continue to lag well behind corporate jobs that require similar skill sets. Today’s youth gone wild are not going to want to teach unless we make it worth their while. Under my leadership, teacher salaries will increase with the help of online poker. If online poker was legalized and regulated, it is estimated that we would see a $3 billion boost in tax revenue. That $3 billion sounds like a lot, until you divide it amongst the 3 million teachers in the U.S. 1000 bucks per teacher isn’t going to cut it. But, what if teachers were given the exclusive ability to recruit online poker players and got a percentage of the action that they brought in? “Okay class. Today we’re going to learn how to get a credit card in your parent’s name and start an account at Party Poker”.

We needn't continue burdening teachers and students with pointless NCLB testing. It's time we had an educational system centered on comedy and poker. Kids will have fun learning and teachers will be more motivated than ever. Politics is easy.

Campaign Help Wanted

I have turned to Craiglist to help my presidential campaign, posting the letter below…
Update: My post only lasted 12 hours before a Craiglist user (my money is on Yakov Smirnoff) flagged it for not being up to Craiglist’s high standards. The post has been deleted. Granted, this isn’t my best work, but good Lord, it's not like I violated the Geneva Conventions. How could anyone take this seriously?

Attention Thousandaires: Happy President’s Day from your next Prez

Hello,

My name is Matt and like so many Americans I suffer from the embarrassment of lactose intolerance. But, my disability is not going to stop me from pursuing my boyhood dream of becoming an ex-President of the United States. Former Presidents make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year and don’t have to do anything. If ever there was a job that matched my skill sets, ex-President is it. But, how does a fat, balding, badly mustached average American become the leader of the free world?

By championing a cause that every American can get behind.

Recently I made a video about the urinals in my office’s men’s room being dangerously close together. The Man tried to shut me up by firing me, giving me some lame excuse about it being inappropriate to bring video cameras into the men’s room. I was terminated for standing up for what I believe in: that Americans have an unalienable right to have enough room to comfortably relieve themselves in public restrooms. So, I’ve decided to center my campaign on the Urinal Code Reform platform. If you’re against that, you might want to get yourself tested for Communism.

I believe that Americans want a leader that takes a genuine interest in how they pee. I need talented people who agree with my strong urinal code values to help me run my campaign. I am currently looking for all types of volunteers. Experience with graffiti art a plus. Forget party affiliations and pledge your allegiance to the candidate that crosses party lines by trying to put an end to cross streaming at public urinals.

Thank you,
Matt

Matt H. Wonder for President, Come on, it’ll be funny

For more information on my current standing on the issues (subject to change without notice)…
http://twohitwonder.blogspot.com/search/label/Presidential%20Campaign

Video that started my crusade against urinal code injustice…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWWphdDbJqc

Happy President's Day from your next President

Initially I said I’d run for President, but didn’t want to win. But, the more I think about it the more it seems like the perfect fit. I got too caught up thinking about the cons without considering the pros. I was worried that, after winning the election, people would expect me to improve the big issues like the border fence and childhood obesity. I thought, “How can I solve the illegal immigrant problems when most of my closest friends are aliens? And how can I possibly expect fat kids to listen to me tell them to stop being fat when I can’t lay off the honey buns?” I pictured a miserable life with all the issues constantly weighing down on me. But, then I had a revelation…

One of the things that I perfected in my five years in corporate America was getting other people to do my work. Don’t misunderstand. I wasn’t a manager who was supposed to delegate. I was the lowest level accountant. But, I found that if I simply ignored things I didn’t want to do, someone else would eventually do the important things. So, as President, I plan to liberally use the phrase “that’s not my problem”. I’m sure one of the stars of C-Span will pick up my slack. I don’t have to be as good as W. I can’t expect to out-govern the greatest and most beloved President ever. All I can do is be myself. And I do not like to work.

I’ve enjoyed being unemployed…the only drawback being a complete absence of money. The President makes a nice salary while in office, but the retirement package is what sold me on applying for the gig. Did you know that Presidents only have to work for 4 years? After that, they receive a pension of $188k per year. That would buy a lot of weed. In addition they get $96k for “staff salaries”. If I can suffer through four years in the White House, I’ll be able to do exactly what I do now, but in a bigger house with a butler and a pool boy.

And it gets better thanks to Bill Clinton’s liberal interpretation of what a former President can get away with expensing. His $1.1 million total compensation package is twice as much as former President Carter’s. Taxpayers paid over $100k for what Clinton referred to as “other services”. “Hurry up and get on the campaign trail, Hillary. I’ve got “other services” coming over in less than an hour.” He also spent $77k in the telephone category, almost 3 times as much as former Presidents Carter and Bush combined. That’s almost impossible to do without the vast majority of the calls going to 1-900 HOTGIRLZ. I don’t plan to be quite as frisky as Bubba Clinton, but thanks to his brave expense reporting, I should be able to fulfill my dream of owning a beer fridge.

If I put in five years pretending to be an accountant, I should have no trouble spending four years pretending to be the leader of the free world.

Matt H. Wonder for President: Come on, it’ll be funny.

Letter to Trimspa CEO Alex Goen

Dear Alex Goen,

In an interview following the death of your company’s spokesmodel, Anna Nicole Smith, you said, “Yeah I was pretty shocked and concerned.” Which would have been nice had you been talking about her unexpected passing, instead your shock and concern had to do with the presence of Slim Fast cans in Anna Nicole’s refrigerator. A life was lost, but you got caught up in the scandal of your spokesperson using a competitor’s product. You went on to talk about having already had plans to replace Anna Nicole with a “new face”.

I’m guessing it might be a little harder to find someone to take on that role given the way you swept Anna Nicole under the rug shortly after her death. If you find that to be true, count me in, bitch. I’m just as fat, dumb and lazy as Anna Nicole and would love to have the opportunity to help you continue to sucker fatties into believing that taking a pill is the key to weight loss rather than diet and exercise.

I’m running for President and would be glad to wear Trimspa logoed shirts and hot pants during my campaign. For the right price, I’ll modernize the Presidential Physical Fitness Test to allow kids to opt out one fitness test event for every Trimspa pill they agree to take. Getting ahead in the real world is all about cutting corners, not how many pull ups you can do. No company exemplifies that ideal like Trimspa. You are a hero and will be nominated for the Congressional Medal of Honor as soon as I take office.

Thanks,
Matt

Letter to Anna Nicole Smith

Dear Anna Nicole Smith,

Watching your career had been like watching a rose bloom. You were a remarkable woman. I can’t wait to see the tribute that Sir Elton John puts together for your funeral.

Your life was an inspiration. Having no more than an 8th grade education, you worked your way up from fast food worker, to stripper, to Playmate of the Year, to wife of a billionaire on his deathbed. Talk about the American dream.

I have attempted to model my career after you. I too worked in the fast food industry as a teenager, eventually working my way up to the guy who calls your name when your food is ready. You fell in love with a fry cook, married and had a baby while still in your teens. I too had a thing with a fry cook, although fortunately for me our relationship did not result in marriage, as he was a little man from Paraguay named Luccho. Our “thing” was that he’d call me “Mateo Van Halen” and I’d call him “Luccho Bon Jovi”. In a lot of ways he was a much more reliable buddy comedy partner than Craig.

I still hope to follow in your footsteps as a pole dancer and playmate, but Dr. 90210 won’t return my calls. If I’m going to take my clothes off for money, I really need to get a breast reduction that will still enable me to maintain that natural look. If I don’t hear back from him soon, I may have to skip right to the marry a billionaire phase, but that could prove to be difficult, because I’m not even sure Oprah likes dudes.

Anyway…just wanted to thank you for all you’ve done for me and wish you best of luck with your new VH1 show, “Last Sire Standing” (presented with limited commercial interruptions by “1-800-DNA TYPE”), where all your potential baby’s daddies move in with Flavor Flav. One by one contestants will be eliminated until the true father of your child is revealed. I’m rooting for Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband.

Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did,
Matt

Stupidity Tax

In my initial post outlining my Urinal Code Reform agenda, I said, “I’m not going to be able to fix Iraq or balance the budget”. Man, was I underestimating myself. Less than a week later, I’ve come up with solutions for both issues. I wrote a letter to Iraq, which should take care of that mess. But, if not, I’ve already drafted a plan B…to let democracy work its magic by launching a contest at 2HW dot gov giving Americans the chance to submit ideas for getting our troops out of Iraq.

Now my plan to fix the budget: a stupidity tax. I don’t go a day without running into blatant stupidity. It’s time that America’s Most Stupid are held fiscally responsible for their actions. I estimate that we’ll be back in the black within a year.

Here’s an example of how the tax would work. I read this sentence yesterday, “The Los Angeles Zoo paid $4,500 to an expert in the ancient Chinese art of feng shui to ensure three endangered golden monkeys on loan from China can have a strong life force.” That is stupid. The Zoo should be taxed. Initially I thought a $4,500 stupidity tax seemed fair. And then I read the rest of the article.

The feng shui fee seems pretty reasonable when you consider that the Zoo paid a total of $7.4 million dollars to build the living area for the monkeys. The monkeys are on loan from China for 10 years. $7.4 million to house 3 foster monkeys for a decade…stupid. I’m sure actual human foster children in the greater LA area are glad to see $7.4 million being spent to pamper illegal monkey immigrants. I find the defendant, the LA Zoo, guilty of being stupid and levy a fine of $7.4 million.

Vote Matt Hit Wonder

State of the Union

It’s happened to all of us. After a long day, we collapse on the couch and turn on the TV hoping that the Gilmore Girls will help us forget about life for a while. Instead we’re greeted with a “Special Report” and are forced to suffer through a President telling us what he’s decided to do to fix all the problems that he’s created for us. Wouldn’t it be easier to cut to a shot of our fearless leader giving the thumbs down sign and then cut back to our originally scheduled programming?

When I’m President, I promise not to interrupt your favorite prime time shows. I’ll change my web address to two hit wonder dot gov and will post State of the Union Addresses in typical 2HW Letters to Hollywood format. There will be plenty of issues that I won’t have a clue how to resolve, so we’ll hold contests on the website letting Americans submit ideas to solve our problems. Come up with a plan to get us out of Iraq and win a free t-shirt. The key to democracy is getting other people to do your job.

Running Mate

I have chosen Isaiah Washington to be my running mate. He is black and homosexual, which should help diversify the demographic of our potential supporters. Thank you.

Edit: Sorry, I just found out that Mr. Washington is not so much a homosexual as he is a homophobe. But, he went to rehab in search of the cure for using anti-gay slurs, so I’d like to keep him. If he hates the gays and I don’t, I think that should help our chances. It would actually make sense for us to disagree on every topic. That way, half of all Americans will agree with one of us on every issue.

Re-edit: Just got word from Craig H. Wonder. He’ll run for Vice President as long as he doesn’t have to do anything. Isaiah Washington is out for the second time in one post.

Re-re-edit: Craig and I have skeletons in our closet. Rather than have the smoking gun dot com ruin our campaign, we’ve decided to start confessing our transgressions up front. So here goes…

During our freshman year in college, Craig and I were roommates. We lived on the fourth floor. One night we got a call from a friend on the first floor saying he was on his way up to our room. Craig and I thought it would be funny to drop our pants and pretend to be making love (out of nothing at all). Evidently our friend took the long way up, causing Craig and I to be Men Without Pants for an uncomfortably long period of time. If pictures of that incident surface let me assure you that was the first and last time Craig and I experimented as friends with benefits.

Letter to Iraq

In my post detailing the skeleton of my urinal code reform agenda, I mention that I won’t be able to fix Iraq. Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit. I’ve reversed my decision. I will fix it. Republicans (or at least the President) think the answer is sending more troops. Democrats (or at least Tim Robbins) think the answer is talking. I think they’re all idiots. The answer to any life problem, as 2HW has proved time and again, is writing letters.

Dear Iraq,

What’s up? I have a riddle for you.

When I was in elementary school, Ulysses S. Anderson was the big man on campus. He had it all. The ladies loved him. He was athletic and smart. And he wore Lee jeans rolled up at the ankle and Vans shoes that had mirrors on them. The greater Ulysses became, the more a handful of small men on campus resented him. Then one day, the small men recruited a thug named Onn Bon Lovi to beat the hell out of Ulysses. He never saw it coming and through his tears and pain, he noticed Ira Quanza laughing at him. So, instead of seeking out Bon Lovi and paying him back, Ulysses kicked Ira in the nuts.

I’d write the answer to the riddle upside down at the bottom of the page if I knew how to do that, but since I don’t here’s the answer, “The doctor is the boy’s mother”.

If I become President and promise not to kick you in the nuts again, will you promise to not let genocide-loving dictators take power in your country? If you agree to my plan for peace, please let me know by not responding to this letter.

If for some reason, not responding to this letter doesn’t solve your problems, I’ll send over my Secretary of the Exterior, Ty Pennington, to give your country an Extreme Makeover. You’ll be so blown away with how hot he is that you won’t even care that he builds themed rooms that lack every day practicality.

Mission accomplished.

Thanks,
Matt H. Wonder

Urinal Code Reform

Since I announced my candidacy for President I have been inundated with media requests to explain why I’m centering my campaign on urinal code reform. The main reason is that I know nothing about any of the other issues. Plus, urinal code affects almost every single American daily.

What American hasn’t nearly gagged at some of the sights they’ve seen in restrooms…people not washing their hands, toilets left unflushed, puddles of liquid that didn’t quite reach their intended destination, and people who dropped a giant loogie gently from their mouth only to have it hit so squarely on the mat inside the urinal that it bounced up and them in the eyebrow. Okay, maybe I’m the only one who has experienced that last example, but dammit it’s time we face the fact that we live in a country where public restrooms are a disgrace.

I’m not going to be able to fix Iraq or balance the budget, so as President I intend to go after some low hanging fruit in an effort to give us something to be proud of. I might not be able to figure out why the hell we can’t win Olympic gold medals in basketball, but I’ll sure try to clean up our public toilets. Close your eyes and imagine a magical land where positive restroom experiences are the norm rather than the exception. That’s no fairy tale. It’s a dream that can come true…if I am written in on approximately 50 million ballots come November.

Now that I’ve answered the why, let me move on to the plan itself. One little blog entry will not do this issue justice, so I’ll simply detail a few of the highlights. And if you don’t back my plan, go back to Russia.

When I used to work, I was puzzled by the smell that wafted through my nostrils whenever I entered the restroom after lunch. It was a weird combination of old man ass and maple syrup. I will enlist Kenneth Starr to head an investigation to identify the origin of that smell.

Handles on the inside of a restroom will be outlawed. Stall doors, sinks, flushers, and paper towel dispensers must be automatic. The cold hard truth is this…when people sit on toilets; fingers and/or thumbs end up breaking through the sandpapery single-ply toilet paper. No one wants to touch a handle after it has been soiled by someone who literally just had their thumb up their ass.

My opponents will argue against jail time for people who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom. I will not be that soft. The public should not be subjected to the germs of some freak that thinks it’s perfectly normal to not wash his hands after holding his ding a ling for thirty seconds. If you do the crime, you will do the time. Three strikes will result in a mandatory 40-year prison sentence.

The final piece of urinal code reform needs a brief preface. In seventh grade Kam Merritt used to pee on Brian in the showers after gym class. Brian complained causing Coach Terpstra to utter the following, “Kam, if I hear that you pee on one more person, we’re going to line up the entire class and we’re all going to pee on you.” That punishment seems about right for Osama Bin Laden. During my regime, I promise to catch him, tie him up in Central Park and let all those who lost loved ones during 9/11 urinate on him. He will then advance directly to the general population at Sing Sing maximum-security prison where he will serve out a life sentence as somebody’s bitch.

Okay that’s enough for now. Let me close by saying that I’m not going to blow smoke. What you see is what you get. I’m not going to be just another phony candidate who overpromises and underdelivers. Don’t get me wrong…I will underdeliver, but I’m letting you know that up front. If I’m able to fix restrooms in my first four years in office, perhaps I will move on to something more meaningful in my second term…like making sure that Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence never make another movie where they dress up like fat old ladies.

Matt Hit Wonder: Smarter than some, friend of a few.

Matt Hit Wonder for President

Big news. I may be unemployed today. But, a year from now I may just be the next President of the United States. I’m officially announcing my candidacy today. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to win. It has to be the second worst job in America behind Accountant (third worst if you consider “assistant to the fun committee chairman” a job).

But, even if I lose the election, I win.

Look at Al Gore. He could be stuck in the White House; instead he’s making Academy Award nominated PowerPoint presentations. Gore’s best documentary nominee, “An Inconvenient Truth”, takes a look at the dangers of global warming. It just so happens that I was assigned the opposite side of the global warming myth in a college debate class. I have a ton of data that my debate partner gathered that should shut up Al Bore and all the global warming alarmists once and for all. I’d love to get the chance to debate big Al on the issue as a warm-up to the presidential debates. Gore will have no chance against my “I’m not hot, are you hot?” case.

I don’t really have time right now to get into whether or not I’ll affiliate with a party or if I have any clue where I stand on the important issues. All I know for sure is that I’m running on the urinal code reform platform. If you’re against that, you’re either un-American or work in HR.

To do list…

Determine whom I hate more than anyone and make him/her my press secretary.

Start a Café Press store to put my campaign slogan (“Smarter than Some, Friend of a Few”) on a bunch of crappy merchandise.

Find out if “running for president” in any way prevents me from continuing to draw unemployment.

Find people dumb enough to contribute to my campaign and find out if it’s okay to use campaign finances for groceries and mortgage payments.

My American Idol

Ahhh. This feels great. My six weeks in rehab are finally over. I was the only one in my graduating class that was in for an addiction to over-the-counter lactose intolerance pills.
I was so close to relapsing last night, until I turned on the American Idol and was struck by the comments of a young man whose physical appearance I liken to the being that would result if Sideshow Bob ate the offspring of Jack Osborne and Velma from Scooby Doo .

Randy asked Chris Sligh, “Why are you here, man?” To which he responded, “I really want to make David Hasselhoff cry.”

Freaking brilliant.

For the Idol ignorant, The Hoff wept like a little girl at the end of the American Idol season 5 finale. In my critically panned AI finale recap I likened my manliness to that of Mitch Baywatch.

I can’t even begin to describe the feelings that overcame me when I realized there is another artist out there who understands that art is meaningless if Michael Knight Rider’s eyes stay dry. My whole world changed. I could see colors I never new existed. Creative urges rushed through my body like dairy products will now that I’m no longer taking my pills. Life has been breathed back into me. Two Hit Wonder has purpose again. I will not rest until David Hasselhoff cries in the direction of 2HW.

Thanks to Chris Sligh for bringing me back. He’s my American Idol.