Skeletons

Barack Obama is getting all kinds of praise for being honest about his past. Instead of trying to spin his drug use with a Clintonian “but I didn’t inhale”, he freely admitted to using marijuana and even cocaine.

That’s nothing.

I’ve already admitted to being a theoretical heterosexual who faked hot man on man action with my running mate. I’d also like to state that, for the record, I’ve never used drugs, but have every intention of experimenting once I become President. I’ll convert the Lincoln bedroom to a phony evidence room for seized drugs and start smoking herbs with tour groups. I’ll keep some kind of phony doctor on staff to write prescriptions for medicinal marijuana. The I-Pod generation may not care about politics yet, but I believe that would change if a White House staffer dressed like Dr. Pepper prescribed weed to help kids deal with everything from gingivitis to senioritis.

If I had a campaign manager, he or she would probably tell me that I’ve already said too much. But, I’ve got more skeletons in my closest than common sense, and would like to also drop this bombshell: I once tried out for Baywatch. Clips from that painful experience have been poorly edited into this clip. Top this Obama…

Update: This video is foreshadowing what my Presidential term will be like...concept > execution. The idea of editing my fat self in a Speedo into the Baywatch open seemed great. The finished product, however, is less than great. I really wanted to take this video down, but was convinced by Craig H. Wonder to leave it up. He was the one who spent hours video taping me and giving me stage directions like, "do that again so that I can get a better shot of your boobs giggling". Plus he bought me the swimsuit. I feel like I owe it to him to leave up this piece of performance art.

Re-update: The video has been taken down due to Youtube's policy prohibiting the exhibition of fat, balding, ugly, pale men.